An Open Letter
(Author’s note: please read to the end for the full effect)
October 24, 2019
Florien Beibbers, University of Gradski
Jamie Cur-Linda, London School of Finance
Tobias Voggiel, Anti-Democracy Policy Consortium
….and others like us from the civil society movement in Mother Europe
Brussels, Belgium
Our dear little North Macedonians,
We know that many, if not most of you, our dear North Macedonian friends, are upset not only with that loathsome cheese-eating surrender monkey, so-called “French” President Macron, over what he did to you, but, more importantly, over the new name which has been imposed on you by people like us. (Look, Macron threw us for a loop as well — we didn’t realize that he thought Angela Merkel had already passed on to the Great Choir Invisible).
Nevertheless we are sending you our positive thoughts and energy in this open letter to temper your fears and to show you how you should not be so concerned with these changes but should embrace them, mightily, so that one day, perhaps, you can be like us, sitting high and above it all, dining on the moveable feast that is international civil society, academia, and think tanks.
Allow us to ever-so-gently explain why this is necessary and why you should cease fighting and struggling against this forced change, wasting so much of your energy on something that cannot be undone, because there literally is no alternative. You waste precious energy in your struggle when you could embrace your new name and identity. Think of it like buying new clothes! “Well, hello there, North Macedonian!” your friend might say. “Say, something about you looks different, sublime,” they’ll continue. “Why yes!” you’ll chortle. “I got this spiffy new name and identity!” you’ll rejoin. “You look positively radiant and ravishing!” your friend will affirm. Isn’t it just fun to get new things?! Look, if you can be a boy in the morning and a girl in the afternoon, you can certainly be a North Macedonian in time for a nice cup of tea in the afternoon.
Trust us, once you give up and give in and accept the identity assigned you after birth, you will rejoice singing Tamara’s “Proud” as you dance gaily with tears of joy streaming down your cheeks into the Happy Lands of NATO and the European Union (well, maybe not the EU) which will offer you a warm bosom and loving embrace. Giving into and agreeing with those who know what is best for you is what is best for you.
As long as you resist embracing this change, there are certain things that could happen to you which would be, shall we say, a bit unpleasant. Let’s examine a few of those.
First, the Russians are lurking everywhere, even under your kitchen sink! You must be very careful! We constantly bring up the Russian boogey-man, because he might offer you some energy deal which we always reject. We look more kindly toward China because, unlike the Rooskies, the Chinese are successful authoritarians, like us, whereas those Vlad-loving Russians are unsuccessful authoritarians. We much prefer, and celebrate, successful authoritarians. And that is what the EU project aims to be — a type of quasi-socialism with special European characteristics and — bonus points! — no gulags!*
Second, some have said that Nikola Gruevski could come back! Yes, this would be your right as a so-called “sovereign nation-state” (what a quaint, old-fashioned thought!), but since the nation-state is rapidly disappearing, you might as well cry “Uncle Joe!” now and give in. Even if Nick doesn’t come back then the “nationalists” might come back into power and as we all know, “nationalists” are anyone we don’t like.
Third, backsliding might happen under those nationalists. They might re-institute the flat tax and implement policies like protecting the life of the unborn (Hades forbid!). This would be a disaster. They might implement economic policies that could create self-sufficiency and that would lessen your need for ready and easy cash from Brussels. You must keep Comrade Zaev in power! His leadership will guarantee that the five year plan for the Cannabis Harvest will be the greatest on record!
Fourth, free speech might come back. You know you are better off without truly free speech because free speech might offend someone, somewhere, at some point and we all know that we have a right not to be offended. That right is enshrined in the (check’s notes)…oh, well never mind, it’s there somewhere. Think of it this way: by limiting your speech, you are economizing, saving your breath, and thereby saving the planet. There is no more noble cause.
Finally, as our friend European historian Timothy Garton Ash has written regarding Brexit, “the least worst way forward is for Britain to vote in a second referendum to remain.” Ash, like us and others, agree that really, democracy and governing is just too important to be left to the little people, like you, our North Macedonian friends. David Cameron (a curse upon him) thought that the British would love to stay in our EU club and we know how that vote turned out. So the people must vote again until they get it right. Except in your case when you essentially said “no” in your referendum to the name change and wanted to keep your little name — in cases like that, we just ignore what you said, no need for another referendum. Either way, our wisdom must prevail.
So, come on! This is one big great adventure and all of us here are pulling for you! We love your new name and new identity: so sleek, so chic, so cool. Pretty soon, and if you continue to put your faith in our friend Comrade Zaev in the elections next year, everything about you will be new — new history, new culture, new heritage, new language, new faith, new, new, new, new, north, north, north! What fun!
*for now
Author’s note: this is satire, isn’t it?
